So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
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The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
is this a threat
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.