911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
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“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
A Short Story.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”