Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
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Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
the three genders
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.