I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
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Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.