All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
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Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
my astrological sign is a french fry
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.