Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
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*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs