Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
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*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.