Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
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Best spoiler warning ever
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!