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“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.