Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
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Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Swedish for common sense.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?