Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
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[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??