Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
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me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
“no gods no masters” = leo
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*