I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
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Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…