They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
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You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
😎 🍻
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
B
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti