Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
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Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
This took me a second..
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Stop.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on