without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
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My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Oh we’ve met.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏