More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
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Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa