Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
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I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
What’s so funny?
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.