ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
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When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
me and my fake scenarios
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.