Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
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Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Natural selection at its finest
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
I think I’m having a stroke
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.