5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
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What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?