Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
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Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there