*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
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What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Who chose this font
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Broom by every window for quick escape.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.