My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
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[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
presenting your incognito window wrapped
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.