*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
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“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t