How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
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Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Cucumbers Anonymous
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”