[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
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Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.