I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
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bout dat hot dog summer
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
“what that mouth do?” complain
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea