The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
You Might Also Like
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week