5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
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If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
What my back needs
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.