Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
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“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
this is the best day of my life
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]