Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
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came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU