Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
You Might Also Like
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.