*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
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Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.