Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
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Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more