What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
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The Onion called it…again.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*