My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
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Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.