“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
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[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
I am also baked goods
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?