flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
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“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.