Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
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Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
I camp so other people don’t have to.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all