We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
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lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.