When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
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person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*