I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
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So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.