wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
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Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
🙋♀️
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Phones down.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.