HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
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With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
This will never not be funny to me.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun