[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
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Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.