the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
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What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
“Huge”.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.