Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
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[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.