I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
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I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
We found love in a hopeless place.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”