Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
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“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
I hate when that happens.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
*ernest hemingway voice*
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?